Concerns at 4

Although I have so far only used this blog for my writing,  I need a place to vent and have decided to post it here.  Venting is many times done in the presence of others so one can get sympathy from another, or agreement of some sort.  But I am posting this where I assume no one will read it.  That's exactly what I want because although sympathy may be nice, I don't want to talk about this pain with anyone.

I've always loved my sister.  But there were many times when we were younger that I truly disliked her.  I thought she was overbearing and bossy.  I considered myseld a victim and thought it was only fair for me to get back at her by pestering her as often as possible.  The truth is, I wanted to be just like her.  I wanted her to really like me.  I wanted her attention.

It wasn't until high school that we started to enjoy each other.  Sure, we still had our arguments where she would yell at me for something I was blatantly wrong about, and I would be silent, staring out the car window on those long trips home, while tears blurred my vision.  I never wanted her to see me weak.  I wanted to be strong like her. 

As she left for college, I felt abandoned.  Quickly, I pushed her out of my heart and let some boy fill it.  I ignored her as she told me to be careful.  She tried to warn me, but the minute I pushed her out, the minute I stopped wanting to be like her.

Not much later, she became my best friend.  Actually, she became one of my few friends.  I always knew that I could confide in her, tease her, and cry on her shoulder.  She talked a lot; I had few words.  I liked it that way.  I became a sponge trying to soak up every word she muttered, not wanting to miss a thing. 

She is now spending this month filling out applications for nursing school.  The one school she most likely will get accepted to is an hour and ten minutes away from me.  As I type it out, it sounds as if it is no big deal.  But over these last few months,  I have spent more time with her than all of my other friends combined.  It is even strange for me to not see her all day.  We are unseperable, and now it seems as if we will be worlds apart.

I know with prayer this will be better.  There will be peace and it won't seem so awful.  But in this moment, as I lay awake at 4 in morning, I feel as if the world is crashing down upon my head.  It feels as if this moment is all that matters.

Lord, give me the strength to know that you have a plan for my friendship with my sister.  Give me the peace and the courage to say goodbye this fall.  And give me the joy to support my best friend in her endeavors to glorify you.  Help me to stop being so selfish.

Amen. 

Dreams

I have this dream
of these images
of you and me
going on a pilgrimage
to my empty frames
and lonely caves
to remind me of the memories.

I have this dream
of our smiles
shared between
distant miles
coming forth
to cloud my mind
also in kind
to remind me of the memories.

Then I have this dream
of our close touch
skin so smooth
yet also rough
trembling my soul within
it comes wherein
to remind me of the memories.

Dreams will come.
Dreams will go.
But these memories
Will follow me so.

Doors

A leaf, a stone, an unfound door.
But what door need be found?
Or is it to remain unfound in order to fulfill and secure its description?
But what of the one who placed it there?
Isn't it already considered found by the door placer?
But by calling it unfound shows that there must be a door finder.
And what if the finder never locates this unfound door?
What then?
But maybe the purpose of this mysterious door was to give the finder a purpose.
A purpose of being an unfound door searcher who may never become a door finder.
For there are many unfound doors in life because of the other doors that are found and are choosen to be walked through instead of continuing the search for the one unfound door needing to be found.

To Myself

What is it about going back that makes me so distraight? 
I'm always feeling caught.
There's reality, the present, and then there's the ever foreboding past.
It's said to shape your life, but what about the gift it gives of strife?
It's never satisfied with haunting your mind. 
Not until you surrender and go crazy.
Not until you let it stay.
But I refuse to surrender to the way, to the way it makes me feel.
I don't want to be gone too soon.  I just want to forget.
But where's the seal?
Where's the seal of forgiveness?
The letter is always open and filled with emptiness.
Why is past's letter always perturbing me with its rules and sorrows?
Please replace the seal so I can have tomorrow...
To myself.