Concerns at 4

Although I have so far only used this blog for my writing,  I need a place to vent and have decided to post it here.  Venting is many times done in the presence of others so one can get sympathy from another, or agreement of some sort.  But I am posting this where I assume no one will read it.  That's exactly what I want because although sympathy may be nice, I don't want to talk about this pain with anyone.

I've always loved my sister.  But there were many times when we were younger that I truly disliked her.  I thought she was overbearing and bossy.  I considered myseld a victim and thought it was only fair for me to get back at her by pestering her as often as possible.  The truth is, I wanted to be just like her.  I wanted her to really like me.  I wanted her attention.

It wasn't until high school that we started to enjoy each other.  Sure, we still had our arguments where she would yell at me for something I was blatantly wrong about, and I would be silent, staring out the car window on those long trips home, while tears blurred my vision.  I never wanted her to see me weak.  I wanted to be strong like her. 

As she left for college, I felt abandoned.  Quickly, I pushed her out of my heart and let some boy fill it.  I ignored her as she told me to be careful.  She tried to warn me, but the minute I pushed her out, the minute I stopped wanting to be like her.

Not much later, she became my best friend.  Actually, she became one of my few friends.  I always knew that I could confide in her, tease her, and cry on her shoulder.  She talked a lot; I had few words.  I liked it that way.  I became a sponge trying to soak up every word she muttered, not wanting to miss a thing. 

She is now spending this month filling out applications for nursing school.  The one school she most likely will get accepted to is an hour and ten minutes away from me.  As I type it out, it sounds as if it is no big deal.  But over these last few months,  I have spent more time with her than all of my other friends combined.  It is even strange for me to not see her all day.  We are unseperable, and now it seems as if we will be worlds apart.

I know with prayer this will be better.  There will be peace and it won't seem so awful.  But in this moment, as I lay awake at 4 in morning, I feel as if the world is crashing down upon my head.  It feels as if this moment is all that matters.

Lord, give me the strength to know that you have a plan for my friendship with my sister.  Give me the peace and the courage to say goodbye this fall.  And give me the joy to support my best friend in her endeavors to glorify you.  Help me to stop being so selfish.

Amen.